Macbeth: Internet Style (Part 3)

Part 3. It gets intense, people. There’s even a dagger named Bartholomew.

 

SCENE 4

duncan: cawdors dead rite?

malcolm: yep… he practiced for it, apparently

duncan: weirdo

duncan: oh hey macbeth

macbeth: hey

duncan: ur thane of cawdor!!!!!!11!

macbeth: ya ross told me

duncan: oh yeah by the way im coming 2 dinner @ ur castle & staying da night

macbeth: ya, ross sed that 2

duncan: :-) 😉 good fella

macbeth: ya… kk writin to wife

duncan: didnt u do that b4 u came??

macbeth: DUUDE >.<

macbeth: i do *not* bring my laptop to battle….

macbeth: hey, can i use urs

duncan: yeah sure room on left

macbeth: kk thanx

 

SCENE 5

lady macbeth: WOOOOO!!11! hubby=thane of cawdor!! yeah! ‘n witches say hes gonna be king!!!!!! 

lady macbeth: that’s it, imma stop bein a woman RIGHT NOW.

macbeth: hey- HOLY CRAP WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

macbeth: WHY DO YOU HAVE A BEARD?!

macbeth: O____________________O

lady macbeth: dude you gonna be KIIING

macbeth: OMG NOT YOU TOO!1 IM NOT GONNA BE KING OK

macbeth: D:

lady macbeth: _what_ did u say?

macbeth: im *not* gonna be king

lady macbeth: but youd make a gret king!!!1!!!

macbeth: honey, we have a king. his name is DUNCAN.

lady macbeth: honey, we have a weapon. its name is *DAGGER*

macbeth: actually, i recently christened it Bartholomew- WAIT, WHAT RU SAYIN?!

lady macbeth: let’s kill duncan!

macbeth: HELL no!!!!!!!!!!!1111

macbeth: whats WRONG wit u

lady macbeth: DO IT

macbeth: nooooo you joking ill get in big trouble

lady macbeth: >:-(

lady macbeth: well, i guess i’m more of a man than you EVER were

macbeth: WHAT

macbeth: THAT’S NOT TRUE

macbeth: x-( x-( x-(

macbeth: m(>_<)^

macbeth: ….

lady macbeth: 😉

macbeth: ok ok ill do it… jeez, woman

lady macbeth: 😀 😀 😀 😀

lady macbeth: come here, you <(^_^)> *hug*

TO BE CONTINUED…

Macbeth: Internet Style (Continued)

What follows doth be a continuation of yesterday’s epic translation of Macbeth. Prithee enjoy this fine work!

RECAP: The witches have held their first sinister meeting, and the Thane of Cawdor has just been exposed as ‘soooo backstabbin’ by the Thane of Ross.

 

SCENE 3

witch 1: hi

witch 2: r we all here?

witch 3: duuude

witch 1: nice. is that macbeth?

witch 2: ya

macbeth: wat the hell is wrong wit da scottish climate

banquo: lot of things. hey r those witches

macbeth: theyre sure ugly enough.

witch 1: shut up. anyway, we r spposed 2 make speech here

witch 2: sumthing bout hailing

macbeth: dont need to tell me weathers bad

witch 1: other meaning

witch 2: anyway r u thane of glamis

macbeth: yeah, y?

witch 2: u r in luck… ur now thne of cawdor 2

macbeth: lol no.

witch 2: true. guy was traitor. gonna be x-cutd.

macbeth: o_O

macbeth: suuuuure… anything else?

witch 3: yeah ur gonna be king

macbeth: LOL OMG U SO FUNNY

banquo: been practicing for ur own comedy show, have u?

witch 1: hell no, we r creatures of darkness

witch 2: in case u forgot this is a TRAGEDY

witch 3: shakspers darkest

macbeth: thats true. i havent seen the sun for 2 weeks now

witch 1: THAT IS NOT WAT I MEANT!!1! ok well anyway… ur gonna be king in couple of days.

witch 3: yeah… oh andd banquo?

banquo: wat

witch 3: ur not gonna be king. gonna get murdered.

banquo: DAMMIT!!!11

witch 3: ur sons r gonna be kings though

banquo: LOL WAUUUU macbeth lets go this madness might be catching

macbeth: yeah… i dont believe in prophecies… what, do u think this is the middle ages or sumthing?

witch 2: it *is* the middle ages, idiot

macbeth: watever.

ross: DUDE OMG CONGRATS MAN OMG

macbeth: y

ross: ur thane of cawdor dude!!!!!!!!!1111!!!

macbeth: WUT

macbeth: O_______O

banquo: u in w/ the witches

ross: hell no I hate em

witch 1: we take personal offense

ross: yeah watever anyway macbeth is thne of cawdorcawdor& duncan is comin today

macbeth: 😕 U CANT BE SERIOUS

ross: yeah well he invited himslf

macbeth: omg omg g2g send email 2 lady macbeth

banquo: kk bye dude

 TO BE CONTINUED…

Macbeth: Internet Style

Macbeth has long been one of my favorite plays, along with Inherit the Wind and A Streetcar Named Desire. But I know many people who find the language a little too… archaic… for their tastes. This is why I have helpfully decided to translate it into Gmail-chatspeak! Now you British Literature students need not worry about poring through hundreds of pages of “Ere” and “Wherefore” and “raveled sleave of care” – you can just zip through THIS version!

(And then fail your test, because I don’t think your teacher would appreciate this very much).

What follows is the first two scenes of Act I… Bon appetit, dear readers.

 

SCENE 1

witch 1: when r we gonna meet agen

witch 2: hurly burly done

witch 2: battle lost&won

witch 3: ere set of sun

 witch 1: o_O WUT r u talkin bout

witch 3: idk… thot it sounded cool

witch 2: ok well watevr. g2g, grymlkn calls

witch 3: me2, paddock calling

witch 1: ok bye

SCENE 2

duncan: whos tht guy

malcolm: dude saved me frm captivity

duncan: geez hes bloody. hows battle

captain: bloody.

duncan: figrd that out… so whos winning

captain: us

duncan: 😀 😀 😀 😀

captain: yeah ur cuz macbeth killed macdonwald

duncan: OH YEAH PWNAGE

malcolm: what happened nxt?

captain: nrway = more troops

duncan: dam man :(

captain: yeah well macB& bAnquo fighting

ross: DUDE OMG

duncan: sup?

ross: OMG OMG OMG THANE OF CAWDOR!!

duncan: yeah wat about him?

ross: duuude he soooo backstabbin

malcolm: oh drn wat he do

ross: sided w/ nrway

duncan: gee well hes not stayin here go kill him give macbeth title

ross: kk bi

 

TO BE CONTINUED…