European Politics: High School Style

Except for a few minor setbacks, like a fifth of the countries present seceding from the eurozone and the EU completely caving in on itself and Spain assassinating Angela Merkel with a NERF gun, Davis Model United Nations 2012 went roaringly. I myself represented Italy in the European Union, and learned quite a lot about standard procedures there. For example, the accepted method of dealing with delegates that criticize your country’s policies is to call them senile. It’s true. Latvia did it to Spain. Spain then retaliated by informing Latvia that he sorely needed a babysitter. This brought in the Czech Republic, who professed wholehearted agreement with Spain. Eventually I gave up on talking about the resolution and fell into conversation with Greece about the perks of high school Robotics instead.

It was very enlightening. The conference would probably have continued on the same foot if Crisis hadn’t walked in and informed us, in awful British accents, that Greece had just seceded from the eurozone.

This was a slightly alarming development. The conference room buzzed with worried talk for roughly five minutes. Then Spain, who was also in Robotics, suggested that both of us should secede from the eurozone as well. Ireland and Portugal both followed suit, and then all hell broke loose.

It started with Germany, really. When Germany was informed of the collapse of the eurozone, he immediately advocated the dissolution of the European Union. Then Sweden suggested building a lunar empire, and Latvia went about recreating Yugoslavia. Slovenia wanted to send UN peacekeeping troops into our countries and ‘convince’ us to change back to the euro. It would have been a frightening suggestion, except for the fact that he spoke with a thick Russian accent and wore a pair of oversized sunglasses. The whole effect was that of a Eurasian vampire-Mafia Godfather.

After that, the head of the committee himself started to exhibit signs of advanced boredom, and playing a video of his friends flame-dancing in downtown Davis instead. Latvia and Spain voted each other Most in Need of a Babysitter and Most Likely to be Admitted to Geriatric Home, respectively. I beat my high score in Fruit Ninja and drank a bottle of bilious blue energy drink. Then the awards ceremony came (I didn’t win anything) and my dad went into Ninja Mode and drove all the way from Davis to Cupertino minutes before a solar eclipse and I finished the load of rancid math homework left sitting on my desk on Thursday night.

It is now thirty-six seconds past 10:01, so I’m going to end on this note: Dear readers, the moral of this piece is that however little your UN delegates accomplish, it is still better than what would happen if a group of hormonal high-school and college students was in charge of the civilized world. At this point, we’d probably all be owned by Bulgaria or something. If we didn’t abolish the idea of separate nations and reform Pangaea, that is.

On that thought, good night and good luck.*


Old movie set during the McCarthy Trials. Note: never show to class full of hyper ninth graders.

Top Eight Weird Facts About Famous (and Infamous) People – In No Particular Order. And Yes, Henry Tudor is Among Them. Though Luke Skywalker is Not.


Self-portrait… sort of. At least this resembles me more than the sturdy blue extraterrestrial did.

Adolf Hitler was vegetarian (or so Wikipedia says). Apparently, he covered his eyes during movies that showed cruelty to animals. Of course, he wasn’t above slaughtering a few million innocent people.

King Henry VIII was playing table tennis when Anne Boleyn was executed. This is true. It was in Horrible Histories.

Macbeth was widely regarded as a great Scottish king; his predecessor, Duncan, was not. Never let Shakespeare do your history homework for you.

The band Pink Floyd hated Andrew Lloyd Webber because he allegedly plagiarized some music from them for his 1986 musical The Phantom of the Opera. Frankly, given how absolutely amazing his music is, I’d forgive him. Pink Floyd did not. They wrote a song involving him getting his fingers crushed by a piano lid.

Vlad Dracul of Romania liked eating his dinner among the rotting, impaled bodies of his enemies. He also liked nailing turbans to Turks’ heads. Just the sort of guy you want as your king, right?

One of Louis XIV’s chefs, Vatel, committed suicide because a shipment of lobsters hadn’t arrived on time. Let’s hope that’s just red sauce on your plate.

Some people think Jack the Ripper was a woman – a midwife, to be precise. Midwives often get covered in blood during the course of their jobs, so many people wouldn’t suspect them. Though, really. I would think anyone would suspect a blood-soaked woman strolling around London clutching a knife and a kidney.

Thomas Jefferson fell in love with an Englishwoman, Maria Cosway. He wrote her a 4,000 word love letter titled The Dialogue of Head vs. Heart. Gee, what a romantic guy.